Shout it from the Rooftops

Last night, as it has been lately, I became very sad when it was time to go to sleep. But over me, I felt a peace. I felt very, very strongly that my grandfather is at peace and that he is not alone. As I had these thoughts, I felt his presence. And I felt these strange sensations up and down my legs - like super chill bumps. It was like confirmation that he really is OK. That I did not just invent these thoughts.

I started thinking about how grateful I am that so many dear to me are still alive - my grandmother, my aunt, my sister...and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had never truly thought about the fact that my parents and Bert won't be around forever. When that thought entered my mind, I felt like I was going to throw up. For as horrible as the pain I feel right now is, there is worse to come (God willing I live a long life).

I have been telling Bert over and over how much I love him. And at 2:30am, I wanted to pick up the phone and call my parents. I wanted to make sure they knew that I think they are the best parents in the world. That from them, I have experienced unconditional love and such support. That I can't even begin to tell them what they mean to me. I wanted to rush into their bedroom and jump on their bed and scream, "I LOVE YOU!"

I used to say that I would not be the kind of person that talked to my mom every day. And I'm not. Many days I talk to her twice. :) And my dad...he is more like me than anyone else on this Earth. I love talking to him too. I love spending time with them. I could go on and on about what they have taught me and what they mean to me.

And then it hit me again; I mean REALLY hit me. Five siblings lost their Daddy. One woman lost her husband.

Oh God.

"I miss you and I love you, Abbu," I said into the night. He heard me.

My grief is nowhere near over. I still cry for him. There will always be a huge hole that Abbu left behind in this world. I will miss him everyday.

But as I lay in bed, the last words I said before I fell asleep were, "Thank you, God." For it is God that gave Abbu peace, God that gave me such a wonderful family and God that has willed it for me to still have my amazing parents, Bert and many others still alive today.

And so, I am shouting my love from the rooftops today.

Labels: family