America's Newest Favorite Pastime

As we near the 4th of July, I am very excited about going to Mississippi to see my family and friends back home. Food, fun and fireworks are on the menu, and I can hardly wait. In the spirit of Independence Day, I thought it appropriate to dedicate today's topic to something very American, as much a part of our culture as baseball and apple pie. It's America's newest favorite pastime: celebrity gossip.

That's right, everyone...celeb dish! I am feeling very satisfied these days because my insatiable appetite for celebrity gossip is staying filled. As soon as I hear one thing that I think will be the biggest news, something else comes along. I.love.it. So, here's some of the breaking news for the week with, of course, my commentary.

• Tom Cruise Unites America

Is it wrong that I'm so excited that the entirety of Blogland, as well as gossip columnists, have united in their mutual hatred of Tom Cruise? I am excited at the backlash over his insane comments about Brooke Shields being "irresponsible" for taking anti-depressants instead of vitamins for postpartum depression. Just when I thought people may begin to forget, he pretty much assaulted Matt Lauer on The Today Show. Tom told Matt he really knew nothing about psychiatry and that Tom did. He went on to say chemical imbalance isn't real. I love it that Tom Cruise is uniting people of all faiths and political views in their common hatred for him.

• Garffleck Weds!

I truly am happy for Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner as they bask in the glow of their recent nuptials. Jen's expecting, and rumor has it that it's a girl. Their love has been quiet, and it appears my biggest celebrity crush ever finally learned how to have a private life. I think they're much more compatible than Ben and J.Lo because of their similar backgrounds. Call me crazy, but I really am pulling for this couple. I hope they make it. The only rumor I'm confused about is the rock he gave J.Lo. I read in People that someone recently bought the ring and then returned it. I certainly hope Ben would know better than to give Sweet and Lovable Jennifer Dead Animal Wearing Diva Jennifer's hand-me-downs.

• Mr. and Mr. Tom Cruise

Oh, yes! There has been even more exciting news about Tom Cruise than simply his insanity. You didn't think one section on Tom was enough, did you? Supposedly, as email rumor has it, Tom and Matchbox 20 frontman Rob Thomas were caught together in an, ahem, compromising position by Thomas' wife. Before the news could explode, Marisol was paid off and Tom began his audition process of who would be his next real life leading lady. That's where the "interviewing the next Mrs. Cruise" rumor began. Katie Holmes was allegedly Tom's #5 pick, behind #1 Jessica Alba and #3 Lindsay Lohan. Katie was said to have been paid $8 million to be Tom's lady love. The rumor goes on to say that Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruise were also part of Tom's elaborate plot to cover up his homosexuality. True or false? I don't really know, but this seems a bit too far out there for me. If homosexuality is looked down upon in Scientology, Tom could always take vitamins, the cure-all, for it.

• Britney's Bun in the Oven

Brit-Brit has been spotted mostly sans Bit-Bit, her Chihuahua, at the side of little sis Jamie Lynn. Brit's been wearing shirts that show her growing belly, and I believe it's more likely the size is due to excessive Starbucks Frappuccino and Cheetos consumption than Baby Federline. After watching every episode of Chaotic, I have to come to a few conclusions. Okay, just one conclusion. These people are crazy! Britney's sweet enough, and yes, they do appear to care about each other, but their immaturity is sickening. Watching them is like watching a documentary about how two 12-year olds culminated their relationship by hooking up in the back seat of a schoolbus after a field trip. They might as well sign Baby-Fed up for a reality series...the child's going to be able to have the queen of all reality shows!

• The Incredible Shrinking Lindsay

Lindsay Lohan threw a hissy fit at the premiere of her movie Herbie: Fully Loaded. When they didn't play a song performed by her during the car scene of the movie, she freaked out. Upon hearing the song playing during the closing credits, she stormed out of the theatre. She attempted to explain herself, but her apparent malnourishment kept her from being coherent. I miss the sweet red-haired Lindsay from the days of Mean Girls and Freaky Friday. I guess all the peroxide in her hair is sinking into her head. She collapsed while working out at the gym recently. Come on, Lindsay, go back to being a red-head and eat a cheeseburger!

• Paris Times 2

And what gossip rundown would be complete without a mention of Paris Hilton and Paris Latsis? The bethothed couple has been spotted partying and behaving badly around the globe. You can always count on these two to be a staple in gossip columns. They're even making a new horror flick together...she in the lead, while Billionaire Boyfriend gets to produce. Ah, the hard life...

Well, there you have it...the lastest and greatest celebrity scoop. I know I left out Brangelina and Vaughniston, but Us Weekly is due in my mailbox with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn on the cover. I must read the article to make an educated commentary on the situation. An assessment of Brad and Jen post-breakup will be coming soon. Anyway, now we should all go read the news so we can regain the brain cells we just lost.

Note: I will be in Mississippi visiting family and friends and won't post again until July 6. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday filled with grilling out, laying out and hanging out!