R is for Regret

Often, I hear someone say they have no Regrets. I think that's a bunch of bull. Sure, all our stumbles and falls and wrong turns brought us here. In the big picture, maybe regrets aren't such a big deal. You get up, brush yourself off, learn your lessons and move on. But still, no regrets? Don't believe it. Everyone must regret something - whether it was being mean on the playground, telling a lie, snapping at someone for no reason, etc.

I am so sorry I pushed my sister into the swimming pool.

As I typed that last sentence, I almost started to cry. I feel sick thinking about it. It happened around 20 years ago. A few years ago, my parents, Bert and I and Sara and her husband Tim went out for dinner. In the middle of dinner, I burst into tears and told Sara I was so sorry for pushing her into the swimming pool when we were kids. Mind you, this was a nice restaurant and I looked crazy. But I didn't care. I couldn't stop crying. Sara looked me straight in the eye and said, "I forgive you, Nisa. It's OK."

For her forgiveness, I am forever indebted.

Let me back up. We were taking swimming lessons many moons ago and Sara was terrified of the deep end. The swimming instructor told me to push her in the pool. In the deep end. I did it.

One moment. I'm crying again.

She was terrified. I remember it so vividly. I was furious. I knew I had done wrong and an adult had told me to. I flipped him off. I may or may not have said, "F**k you" to him. I hate that man to this day, whoever he was.

Sometimes at night, I will remember it and I will cry. The only thing that helps me is knowing Sara forgave me. I am so sorry.

I was talking to my aunt yesterday and she told me about her two precious children being in swimming lessons. I cannot talk about swimming lessons. I hate swimming lessons. I start to get upset and cry when I think about swimming lessons.

I have other regrets here and there, but most of them, I have gotten over. I have taken the lesson and moved on and tried my hardest to become a better person. But this regret - there is no lesson. It weighs on my heart like a ton of bricks. Siblings should do everything in their power to protect and take care of each other. I didn't do that on that horrible summer day. I hate that day. I hate that pool. I am glad that pool is no longer used.

I wish I could get over it, but I can't.

At least I had the opportunity to save her life a few years later in Maine. But that is another story for another day.

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