One Year Later

I can think back exactly one year ago at this time and I know what I was doing. I was frantic, packing, rushing to get out of town. I still remember the phone call from my mom and I knew that he was doing very poorly.

It was an awful day and the months to follow were even worse. I think missing him has been worse than that day. The shock has faded and now longing has taken its place.

For a long time, I guess there was an illogical part of me that felt if I thought long and hard enough and assigned proper blame that he would come back. If I could just put the pieces together, than maybe something could change. But it can't. And I still have anger and blame. Real life is nothing like Grey's Anatomy or House; that's for sure.

Last week, my entire family gathered around his grave and prayed for him. The top of his tombstone reads "In the name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful." He would like that. And above his name is the word Professor, because that's what he was to his very core.

Last night, I prayed very hard for him. I read verses for him. I told God that I was praising Him in honor of my grandfather. It was one of the first times I have felt true peace.

My heart is still a bit heavy today. There is a lump in my throat. I can still hear his voice. I hope I will always be able to hear his voice - not just literally, but figuratively. The life he lived was a lesson in kindness, tolerance and gentleness.

And I write this, "A Long December" by Counting Crows plays on Pandora. Of all the songs - this one. These lyrics still get me:

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass