The Girls NOT Next Door

So, I got all ready to watch VH1’s fabulous Celebreality line-up last night. It’s “The Surreal Life,” “Hogan Knows Best” and “Celebrity Fit Club 2.” It’s completely mindless entertainment, and it’s the perfect way to end your weekend. I was in my pajamas, snuggled up on the couch and then it happened. They were showing re-runs.

What’s a girl to do? Flip on over to E! and watch the premiere of “The Girls Next Door,” of course.

This show chronicles the life of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends at The Playboy Mansion. Bridget, Kendra and Holly are his live-ins, and the show wasn’t really what I expected. Beneath the platinum blonde hair (think giant Gwen Stefani hair), the giant boobs and the jealousy over Playboy centerfolds, these girls really aren’t like you and me. Not even under all that. I guess I thought that was the point of the show, in a way. I though they were going to show us how these women are, and that we’d see they could be like “the girls next door.” Just like you and me, but they’re not.

I’m really glad they don’t live next door to me.

OK, OK, yes they have feelings and so do we, but they KNOWLINGLY entered into this relationship situation with Hugh Hefner and now Holly wants all the other girls out of the house. She says she’s proud she’s Hef’s main gal, and that he needs to get rid of the excess baggage around the house.

“You knew Hugh Hefner was infamous for having tons of cookie cutter girlfriends living with him, you stupid girl!” I was yelling at the TV.

What girl in her right mind do you know would share her boyfriend/fiancé/husband with anyone else? And, oh yes, they answered the question you’re all wondering: yes, they all have sex with Hef.

Ew.

Bridget bawled her eyes out, wishing she could be in Playboy. She said she’s wanted to in the magazine since.she.was.five. I mean, I might’ve wanted to be Miss America when I was five, but I didn’t have aspirations of putting my goodies on display at that age. Her dad subscribed to Playboy, and when her parents weren’t looking, she would peek through the magazine. At age five, I would’ve been in shock. She couldn’t help thinking how beautiful the naked women and their big giant boobies were.

And then you have Kendra. Bert and I are convinced Kendra is a closet lesbian. She’s a tomboy through and through, and she doesn’t seem to have “girl” emotions. Holly is a little possessive of Hef and Bridget is jealous of all the Playboy centerfolds coming out to the Mansion to do their shoots since is was her unfulfilled lifelong dream to be in the mag. Kendra just wants to shoot some hoops, yo. She practically kidnapped one of the girls coming to shoot for the mag and took her out to the batting cages. It was just weird. She just wants to play sports and chill. She is emotionless.

At the end of the hour of insanity, Hef told his gal pals they were going to appear on the cover of Playboy. Bridget’s lifelong dream is finally going to be fulfilled. This is a woman who has a Bachelor’s and Master’s degree in Communications. Nothing ever satisfied her because all she ever really wanted to do was be in Playboy. What will happen after this is fulfilled? Will she ever have a goal again??

The girls coming to pose in the magazine seem much more "normal" (whatever that is) than these chicks. Yes, they bare all, but they don’t live with an almost 80-year old man who’s probably seen more naked women in the history of the world than anyone with the exception of The Good Lord. They do their business and get on with their lives. They’re not immersed in Playboy 24-7, sharing a man betwixt them.

Sorry, I’m grossed out about the whole sex thing again with Hugh. Ew.

I guess I thought this show was going to be like a bunch of Barbies playing around in a dreamhouse where they swam naked in The Grotto. They would drink mimosas and sunbathe all day, and just be little carbon copies of each other, running around in slow motion with big smiles plastered on their faces. It would be obviously fake, and they would be lounging around, scantily clad and having a ball. Instead, I was left feeling sad for them.

And even though they don’t seem “normal” on the surface, surely deep down, they have to know there’s more to life. Holly flat-out admitted she wanted to marry Hef and have his babies. She’s living in such denial if she ever thinks that’s going to happen. And strangely enough, Hef seems to have no emotional attachment to any of them. In his own way, he seems to acknowledge this really is all just for show. I think he forgot to tell the girls.

Now, I’m not hating on Hugh Hefner. Undeniably, this man has created an empire and his magazine isn’t disgusting like Hustler and the like. I think he does try to do it in an artistic, rather than gratuitous manner. He doesn’t mistreat his girlfriends…they live in the lap of luxury and nothing is expected of them.

But wouldn’t that be a sad life if all your significant other expected from you was to keep your roots done, and look like you’re walking a fine, fine line between beautiful and trashy? What if you were expected to never ruffle any feathers and accept your place standing by your man with all his other women? What a life.

I sure am glad they don’t live next door to me.