Tom, Snopes and Crystal Meth Pizza

THANK.GOD.IT'S.FRIDAY!! This week I have torn two dresses and broken a bracelet. I have been harassed on the Internet and harassed in person. A woman threw herself at my husband at the gym and then did the same thing to my friend's boyfriend. The fact I haven't thrown a fit is a miracle. The fact I didn't fall flat on my face while trying to kiss my husband and mark my territory while on the Elliptical is a miracle. The fact I have channeled my anger into working out is a miracle.

What a week!

Anyway, I have two topics to address that are requests from friends, and then I'm on to discuss the most delicious crystal meth pizza ever that I had last night.

First, my friend Emily wants to know why Tom Cruise was crying on the cover of "Life & Style" magazine recently. Although I am obsessed with celebrity gossip, I really haven't heard anything about this, so there must not be much to it. My best guess? Tom was probably crying because Katie (excuse me, Kate) said something he didn't agree with. As in, "Oh, Tom, I absolutely hate artichokes!" "WHAT? YOU MUST AGREE WITH EVERYTHING I SAY, FEEL, THINK AND DO!!!" Yeah, that's my best guess...you never know with that crazy man. I think he's trying to mold Kate into the perfect Stepford Wife. Hope you fall flat on your face, Tommy Boy.

And my friend Amber and I share a similar pet peeve: stupid email forwards that just simply aren't true. People, please, please, please visit Snopes before sending out forwards! No, sending out forwards to 489047 people isn't going to put Rachel any closer to getting an operation. No, if you microwave something in plastic it's not going to kill you. No, diet drinks are not of the devil and don't cause Multiple Sclerosis. And yes, Coca-Cola did in fact once contain cocaine. This web site quickly dispels rumor and separates fact from fiction.

Now, on to crystal meth pizza. We went out last night with our friends Mary Ellen and Dave who are moving soon. We are not too happy about that and plan on hiding in the back of their U-Haul. Anyway, last night we went to this grungy pizza place that we found out was very likely the site of one of the biggest crystal meth labs in Georgia! The owner has been arrested, but they police aren't commenting if the restaurant was the site of any illegal activity. We had a great time with them...who else can you bicker with your spouse in front of and kick your shoes off with? Who else can you eat the best pizza in town with and not care that it could be the front for illegal activity? Friends like them are hard to come by...

So to Tom, please volunteer yourself for some mission on behalf of Scientology that requires you to go find the aliens your religion speaks of. Disappear. And Snopes, thank you for providing such a great service. Please note you will be lost for days once you visit Snopes for the first time...it's addictive. And to friends you can just be yourself with...well, that's just been the best part of the whole damn week.

In The Wash

Earlier this week, I was watching "The Today Show," as I always do when getting ready in the mornings. One story this week was particularly memorable to me and has been on my mind.

Get this: Husband and Wife have been married for X number of years. Wife stayed at home and now that she's divorcing Husband, she has tallied up all the meals she's cooked over the years, laundry she's washed, and even the sex that they've had. And she's put a price on it. She's suing her soon-to-be ex in excess of $300,000.00, which she calls "cheap." Why is she charging for sex? She said it wasn't that good. The husband's lawyer counters that if that's the rationale, he should be paid too. She charged meals at 20 bucks a pop.

Sounds like some fancy dining to me...yeah right...

We've also all heard that if stay-at-home moms and dads were paid for all they did, they'd make an astronomical salary. After all, they provide childcare, cook meals, clean the house, do the laundry, take care of pets, run errands, etc. etc. I don't even think you can put a price on what they do. I'm sure some stay-at-home moms and dads don't really want to stay at home, but most that I know absolutely love it. They choose it. They do it willingly...without a price tag. But what would a price tag be? Some say it would be a total of $1 million.

(Click here for an article that comes up with that figure.)

This is based on the fact that the woman or man limits her future career prospects by staying at home, as well as all the work he or she does at home.

But in all actuality, can a price ever be put on marriage or raising children? I don't think money can even begin to pay what people do in relationships. It's not about money. That's not how it's measured to me. And for that matter, don't we all feel underpaid in our jobs sometimes? Hasn't everyone said, "I don't get paid enough to do this!"? We stay late and don't get paid for it. We do things not in our job descriptions. But I think it all comes out in the wash. Think about time you've spent on a personal call or sending an email...I think it all comes out pretty evenly.

And I think the same can be said for marriage and family. Tuesday during my lunch break, I scrubbed the entire house from top to bottom. I was literally on my hands and knees scrubbing the floors 'til they sparkled. I didn't do the BS dusting, where you run the feather duster over everything. I actually took everything off shelves and wiped all the dust away. The bathroom was sparkling, the dishes were washed, the laundry was folded and put away. Immaculate.

Then, yesterday, I got home after work and was not very happy. Bert's flip flops were thrown in the living room floor, he'd left mail in the bathroom, his belt was in the bedroom floor and dirty dishes were in the sink when they should've been in the dishwasher.

I wanted to scream.

But then I remembered how he had mowed the lawn the day before and that he pretty much takes over laundry as his job. Washing, drying, folding...he does a wonderful job. All I have to do is put it up. I think part of the reason he does it is that I'm a horrible folder and hanger-upper. The clothes were horribly wrinkled every time I got my hands on them. But the other part is that he truly does want to help around the house. He definitely helps carry the load.

I know the woman that's trying to charge her husband for their marriage is running on anger right now. I can't imagine truly putting a price on marriage, though. Where would you begin? And in turn, could your significant other tally up all the meals they paid for during your dating period? There are just some things without prices. Relationships are one of them. I could never re-pay Bert or my parents for emotional support they've given me. It's priceless. And we shouldn't have to pay for that.

And as far as housecleaning goes, I don't think we can really fault men for being men; I just think they don't have the same standards of cleanliness as women do. As long as nothing's rotting, I think they think the house is fine. Women clean until someone could conduct a white glove test.

Instead of getting mad, I thought about that old saying that "everything comes out in the wash." I know this means that everything comes out evenly in the end, but for me this has a much more literal meaning. For us, everything truly does work out evenly simply because he handles the laundry.

SNOB!!!

So, this week has been a series of unfortunate events for me. Am I a psycho magnet? In the past 72 hours, all kinds of inappropriate things have been said to me. Here's the latest and most traumatic...

Yesterday around 2:30 pm, this man called. He was apparently on his cell phone because he repeatedly yelled, "HELLO! HELLO!" at me. I patiently replied until he finally heard me. He informed me that someone had called in a work order to have an outdoor light replaced. I told him I was the only full-time employee at this location and someone in one of the other buildings must've spotted it.

So, he came to the door about 20-30 minutes later and told me he was here to fix the outdoor light. I thought he came to the door to inform me and that he would, you know, go outside to fix the outdoor light. I stood there for a minute, wondering if he needed to come in to turn on the lights inside...or where those lights even are. I don't ever work downstairs.

"SO.I.NEED.TO.COME.IN.TO.FIX.THE.LIGHT," he said to me as if I was a 2-year old with little to no comprehension of the English language.

"O-kay," I replied. I then walked back to my desk, wide-eyed, a little taken aback at his tone.

"IS THIS THE ELEVATOR I NEED TO TAKE TO GO DOWNSTAIRS? I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE BEFORE." he said very curtly.

Um, ya think the elevator might go downstairs? Oh yeah...that balcony you're standing on looking at the level below and the fact that this building is only two stories might lead one to believe that the elevator goes down.

"Yes," I replied. I was sick of his tone.

"SNOB!!!" he yelled.

WTF?

I marched right on out to the balcony and informed that he had no right to speak to me in that manner, and that I would be calling his supervisor.

"FINE. CALL! I DON'T CARE! YOU ARE SO RUDE AND YOU ACT LIKE YOU DON'T WANT ME HERE!"

Was I supposed to greet him with appetizers? A martini, perhaps?

"Sir, I apologize if I came off as rude. Most people that come out here have been out here several times and know where everything is..." I began.

"I DON'T CARE IF THIS IS THE FIRST TIME OR THE HUNDRETH TIME! YOU WERE SO RUDE!"

"Sir, I apologize if I was rude..."

"YOU'VE SAID ENOUGH ALREADY!!!"

He was so scary and I couldn't understand whatsoever why he reacted that way. So, of course I called his supervisor and he informed me they had problems with this employee in the past.

After the second time I spoke with his supervisor, it was about 3:40. I realized I was shaking, and I began to cry.

I hate confrontation.

I packed up and went home early, unable to focus at work. I felt scared and had convinced myself this man was a psycho killer.

After hours of analysis (thanks, Bert and Mom!), I finally came to some conclusions. I can't live in fear. After all, my building has an alarm system and stays locked. No one's coming in unless I let them in. I also let the staff know in other buildings...and they graciously offered to come yell at him should he ever dare to show his face here again.

I guess the guy was probably having a bad day...or a bad home life...or who knows what. You never know why people act the way they do. Yes, I think he's psycho and needs to take Anger Management courses, but I haven't walked a mile in his shoes. I don't know the background. I don't know about his personal life or if he got in a fight with his wife on his cell phone right before he showed up here.

I also have decided I really don't care how someone treats me...I'll be very careful to not show the least bit of attitude or agitation in the future. Two reasons: 1) I don't want someone to go crazy on me. and 2) Maybe someone is going through something really bad at the time...and they can't take any more. Haven't we all felt like that before?

Am I scared? Yeah, a little. I hope he doesn't get fired. I don't want there to be any more fuel added to the fire. Am I mad? Not really any more. Am I sad? Yeah, I hate stuff like this.

But...have I grown from this experience? Yeah. I'll be more careful how I treat people...even if they treat me like doody (Bert's new favorite word). I've always been told to give people the benefit of the doubt. Haven't we all acted ugly at some point and known that was in no way a representation of who we really are?

So, Psycho Man, wherever you are...I hope everything gets better in your life. I hope you quit taking out your aggression on everyone else in the process.

And, thanks. Thank you for reminding me to treat people with kindness...no matter what. I don't ever want to make anyone feel the way you made me feel yesterday.

UPDATE: The guy's supervisor just came by and told me that the scary man was very sorry and realized he was in the wrong. He told me that I wouldn't have any trouble with him in the future. He told me that the guy was having a bad day and came here in a bad mood. "We all come off ways we don't mean to sometimes," I replied. *relief*

High School Daze

Finally! Last night was the new season premiere of "Laguna Beach," the MTV reality show that chronicles the life of high schoolers in "The Real Orange County." I anxiously awaited the new season. I watched every episode religiously last season and have already been told NO when I even glanced at the "Laguna Beach: Season 1" DVD collection available at Wal-Mart.

The show began with all last year's seniors returning home for Christmas break. I was so jealous as they wore tank tops and walked on the beach in December! Laguna looks gorgeous. Of course there's tons of drama. Girl loves boy who loves other girl. Other girl dates USC quarterback Matt Leinart...which they shove in your face on the show. Other rich girl buys $607 Christian Dior shoes like Jessica Simpson's on a whim. And she is careful to point out that they're $607...nouveau riche, perhaps?

Oh the life...

Have you ever noticed in reality shows or in sitcoms that there is always much more drama than in real life? I guess I expected crazy scenarios from "Beverly Hills 90201" back in the day, and I know today's "The O.C." is full of all kinds of drama. I guess I thought a supposed reality show would be more...you know...realistic.

I don't know about you, but people at my high school weren't so stereotypical. If people at my high school had acted like some of the "popular people" in this show, people wouldn't have liked them very much. Certainly there were cliques and some people were nicer than others, but no one was living in multi-million dollar mansions and flashing the latest in designer wear. People in my high school wore the lastest from J.Crew, not Gucci. And people certainly didn't talk about each other as openly as they do on "Laguna Beach." Ah, I guess they have to have something for the cameras.

I went to a small private high school...there were 54 in my graduating class. Most of the people in my grade were friends and hung out away from school. People who flaunted themselves too much or tried to act like something they weren't were put in their place. At least behind their back. I guess there was some drama going on!

No, high school wasn't the best time in my life, but it certainly wasn't the worst. I look back on it pretty fondly..mostly hanging out with friends, riding around, going to football games, etc. It was a fun time, and I really wouldn't change anything about it. OK, well I wouldn't be so dreadfully obvious about who I was crushing on. I see L.C. on "Laguna Beach" lust after Stephen and follow him around like a puppy dog...and I wince. Been there, done that.

I find it amusing that rarely are parents seen on "Laguna Beach"...I guess everyone in high school wants to hide their parents away! The kids are desperately trying to act like grown-ups. I think we've all done that too. Sometimes I wonder if I'm still just pretending...

Certainly there was drama at my high school...crushes, break-ups, friendship fights. I guess high school is like a mini soap opera. There was always something going on that was more interesting than Les Miserables and proofs in Calculus. Maybe there was more drama than I remember...

I guess we all choose how much drama we're going to get involved in. Life can be a series of ups and downs...constant craziness and havoc. Or, it can be pretty even and pretty calm.

I used to crave drama...loved it. And I wondered why I wasn't very happy much of the time...

Now I enjoy a much calmer existence. High school, college, DC...it was all like the next phase of the same thing. Each phase was increasingly dramatic, especially beginning in college. It's amazing how complicated we can make our lives. This is the first time in a long time I don't feel like everything's going by in a daze.

I'm living life to the fullest, and now I know that "fullest" doesn't mean the most drama or the most on my plate. It means taking time to enjoy my surroundings and the people who mean a lot to me. It means being grateful for what I have.

I am glad of my past experiences. Every phase of my life has taught me so much about myself and what's important to me.

And when it's 10-year high school reunion time in 2008, I'll be ready.

To The Candy Shop

Ah, Savannah. We had a lovely vacation, and I sit here typing a pound and a half heavier from mass amounts of seafood and candy. At least I'm two shades darker from our afternoon at the beach on Tybee Island. I'm nursing a hurt foot from jamming it into a two inch ceramic step leading up to our hotel bathroom. There was no sign indicating a step up and I was barefoot and it hurt SO badly. I spent most of the long weekend limping around.

It was a blast...no really...a wonderful time. My favorite vacation ever.

And my favorite thing to eat...candy! There was the best candy shop in the entire universe at the end of River Street called The Savannah Candy Kitchen. Check out their web site (although you'll gain a pound just by looking) at http://www.savannahcandy.com. It is the shop straight out of the first "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" where all the kids go to get candy at the beginning. You walk in and the smell is intoxicating. In the first section, there are handmade waffle cones and tons of gelato. Then, in the middle room is a small taffy factory. I'm not a big taffy fan, but the tangerine taffy was delicious. There were tins lining the walls and you could buy one for about $11 and fill it with all the taffy or barrel candy you could fit. What barrel candy, you ask? Well, in the last room, there were tons of barrels filled with everything you could imagine...Hershey's Kisses, Starbursts, giant Lemon Heads, Jolly Ranchers, Blow Pops, etc. etc. There were kids filling up these tins, happy as could be.

Well, one girl had a complaint. There were two siblings filling up their tins, and the older couldn't get her tin to close.

"Well, I've got more candy than you do," said the younger girl. "You just don't know how to organize," she continued, trying to sound very grown-up.

When did candy get so complicated?

Anyway, I even had my first Pop Rocks experience here. I know, I know...how could a child of the 80's have never had Pop Rocks? I was more of a Chiclets girl.

Anyway, in the third room is where I thought I was in absolute heaven. Pralines, homemade cookies, fudge, chocolate bark, s'mores, homemade peanut butter cups...OMG...I was almost on the floor from the scent alone. We went there at least once a day just to look at the store in all its splendor. The best thing I ate was the peanut butter cup...a layer of sweet peanut butter in between layers of chocolate...I swear that's where I gained the pound and a half. I felt horribly guilty while I ate it, and yet euphoric all at the same time. It was wonderful.

Bert and I walked through the store, feeling like kids. It looked like a rainbow in there...delectable treats of every variety...the smell of freshly made desserts...oh, it was wonderful.

We left the candy shop and walked down River Street. We were feeling like kids with our candy until we saw actual kids of today. Paris Hilton-length short skirts adorned most 12 years olds. Tiny tank tops and too much make-up abounded. They were stuck to their cell phones like they were their life source.

This brings me to a story that makes me question cell phone usage among children.

There were two sisters out at the hotel pool, the eldest being about 10 and the youngest about 7. Apparently, the family brought one cell phone on the trip that the girls had to share. There was another girl in the room, and the 10-year old was really ticked off at her.

Age 10 girl said, "It's my turn to use the damn phone."
Age 7 girl nodded her head in agreement.
Age 10 girl said (with lots of attitude, complete with head moving from side the side), "I'm not putting my life on hold for her bullsh*t."

WHAT?

I am glad for the fun that we had, as well as for our childhoods. Candy was a treat and family vacations required we speak to one another. There were no cell phones to make it easy for us to ignore our parents and siblings. Cursing would've gotten me in big trouble. We wore t-shirts and shorts when we were kids, not trying to impress anyone.

I can't wait 'til my next visit to the candy shop. It takes me back to a time...a fairy tale of what we all wished our childhoods were like. Most of us didn't grow up with giant candy shops in our hometowns. But for some reason, I can still clearly remember my mom buying me orange Tic Tacs and Chiclets at Wal-Mart. And that was magical enough for me.

OMG! Side Effects

My current job gives me a lot of flexibility and freedom. I am the only full-time employee, so I have a lot of time to myself. I am surrounded by gorgeous woods and gardens; it's a virtual oasis. On the downside, I probably spend about 1/4 of my time working with other people, and the rest of the time working independently. In an effort not to feel boxed in, I usually have an IM conversation going, and I frequent many of my favorite blogs. This helps me not feel so disconnected from everything.

But now I've started to speak in computer.

Case in point: the other night, Bert and I were just being together, snuggling. Due to the fact I think my bladder has recently shrunk to the size of a pea, I got up to go to the bathroom.

"Where are you going?" he asked.
"BRB," I replied...dead serious.
"ANISA!!!" he shouted.

But it was too late. I was in the bathroom laughing so hard that my stomach began to hurt. I didn't even realize I was using an acronym for "be right back" as I said it. I thought to myself, "OMG." I mean, oh my goodness.

And then, later that night, we were just chatting and watching TV. I mentioned to Bert that I was really looking forward to our trip and was happy about the way things were going. We started talking, and then I laid there, quiet.

"So, what are you thinking about?" Bert asked.
"Smiley face," I said.

I EVEN SPEAK EMOTICON!

Later, this commercial came on and the person in the commercial was dancing like a crazy person. Bert looked at me with confusion written all over his face.

"Question mark," I said.

Furthermore, WTF and OMG have become staples in my verbiage. I even said LMAO the other day. Mind you, I wasn't even actually laughing my ass off...I just said LMAO to indicate that's how funny I thought something was.

Sometimes, truthfully, I do say these things on purpose, but other times, it just comes out without a warning. I am going to try really hard and put myself on "initial probation" over the course of our trip.

I guess these slips are all side effects of my job. Yeah, I'll blame it on that. But other side effects have been that many doors have been opened for me and amazing opportunities have been presented...so I'll take my new, um, expanded vocabulary and be proud of it!

And, yes, as I mentioned, I'm leaving bright and early tomorrow morning for a long weekend to beautiful Savannah. I hope sunshine and seafood will abound.

OMG - it's going to be great.

Note: I'll be eating entirely too much delicious food and soaking in all the sun I can get 'til Sunday. I will post again Monday, July 25. Have a great weekend!

Anisa, Columnist

So, as I neared 1,000 hits on my blog from June 1, I decided it was time for a new look. I guess it's only fitting something big happens around hit 2,000.

People, my dream has been realized. I.am.a.columnist!

I met with the editor of my local newspaper shortly after moving here almost a year ago, and nothing was open at the time. We kept in touch, and after starting Access Anisa, I emailed him the site link and told him I was still interested in writing.

Fast forward to today. We just met to discuss details, and I'm a columnist! No, it's not a full-time position and I'll keep my regular job, but I will be published every other Thursday to begin with, and eventually every Thursday.

I'm the "Every Other Thursday Girl!"

It'll be me and my little picture beside my name and everything. One of my majors in college was Journalism, so I am thrilled beyond belief with this opportunity. I kept hoping that I would finally be published once again on a semi-regular basis.

The column will definitely have similarities to this blog...mostly light-hearted, but a few serious topics thrown in as well. I hope it will be entertaining and engaging to the reader. That's why we read each other's entries, after all. A connection is formed due to the vividness and openness of each other's writing.

So, readers, I owe you all a big THANK YOU. Your comments and visits kept me going...and really made me believe deep down I should not stop pursuing my love of writing.

There's just something about putting words down on paper and later seeing them in black and white in the newspaper. The smell...the ink smears on your fingers...everything about it is intoxicating to a writer. Seeing people respond to your thoughts, your emotions, your work...it's extremely gratifying.

Sometimes we don't even realize Point A will get us to Point B, but things often happen in the most unexpected ways. I didn't know this was even a possibility, but somehow putting one foot in front of the other has created this amazing opportunity.

And you know what else makes me excited? That now, if I ever get to be on a game show, when my name pops up on the screen, it'll say "Anisa, Columnist."

Life Cycle

So, I lie there in the dentist chair and begin to look up at the ceiling. I don't want to actually look at the ceiling too intently either because my eyes would hurt from the light overhead. I lie back and look out the picture window, where the only thing I have a good view of is an electrical wire. The dental hygienist and I make as much chit-chat as we can before she begins sticking various silver pointy things in my mouth. Somewhere in between introductions, swapping tales of people you know (as everyone in Southern towns does) and being handed a new toothbrush, there's a lot of time for thinking.

And being the over-analyzer that I am, I intended to take every moment to do so.

I leaned back and relaxed, ready to go through the catalog of my mind. I was ready to take the thirty minutes at hand to dissect all sorts of things in my life.

And all I could think about was how cute the hygienist's daughter was and where I wanted to eat on my upcoming vacation to Savannah.

I didn't have anything to dissect.

Well, if you know me, you know that if I have my mind set on over-analyzing something, I will find a way to do so. I came back to work and began to wonder why I didn't have anything to ponder. No pretend arguments ensued in my head. No relationships were analyzed.

And then I finally came up with something: How long do people have before their luck changes?

You see, I am on an upswing right now, and as the world works, I know sadness and disappointment will come my way again. My life has been so cyclical...happiness, success, disappointment, failure and then on the merry-go-round again.

I know I should just enjoy how my life is going, but that can be hard to do when the patterns of your life have shown you something entirely different. People try to cheat all sorts of things, and I wish I could find a way to cheat all the bad things away. I don't want them to come back.

Maybe my life would seem bleak if I was hell-bent on having a bad attitude about everything. I don't know that I was born an optimist, but I've tried to make myself into one.

I guess sometimes I wonder if this is the calm before the storm. Or maybe all my hard work has finally paid off.

Maybe things are better because I'm better. Maybe as I've become a kinder and gentler person, so has life. Or maybe I should just be grateful that I have no cavities.

It's A Surreal Life

First of all, I just wanted to thank everyone for all the positive responses yesterday. It really meant a lot to me. Thanks for your open-mindedness.

Now, I must enlighten you all on another topic: VH1 Celebreality. Last night, I was lying in bed, flipping through the channels. I paused for a moment on the Yankees/Red Sox game that my husband had been watching for the past three hours. He's a diehard Yankees fan, while I root for whatever team Johnny Damon's on. Anyway, I stopped on CNBC, where Donnie Deutsch was interviewing cast members of the latest Surreal Life. For those of you that haven't seen the show, they basically put seven C-list celebs together in a house and let all hell break loose. This cast lived together for twelve days and managed to have very, very strong opinions about one another. Fighting and name calling were just the tip of the iceberg...

The current cast includes Pepa (of Salt 'n Pepa), Apprentice villain Omarosa, former supermodel Janice Dickinson, model Caprice, Pink's fiance' Carey Hart, Bronson Pinchot (Balky off Perfect Strangers) and former baseball player Jose Canseco. The first episode aired last Sunday and it was truly a spectacle.

Janice freaked out because she accused Bronson of groping her, and all the women were scared of Jose because of his past domestic violence record. The house is done in a circus theme, and Bronson said he didn't like it because he was afraid people would think all the people that lived in the house were like "circus freaks."

Um, ya think?

Anyway, everyone gathered on Donnie's show last night with the exception of Carey and Pepa. Apparently Janice needs to re-assess her 12-Step Program because she was acting insane the entire 12 days. She's such a villian that she made Omarosa look like a victim! Now that's really saying something...

And everyone was utterly in love with Jose, singing his praises. I believe Jose Canseco is going to be the only person in Surreal Life history to ever actually benefit from appearing on the show. I think the show's going to be fantastic for his reputation, and horrible for everybody else's.

In past season, there have been other C-listers such as Erik Estrada (Ponch from CHIPS), porn king Ron Jeremy, former Real World cast member Trishelle, Tammy Faye (Baker) Messner, Vanilla Ice, Christopher Knight (Peter Brady off The Brady Bunch) and many, many more. The one negotiable B-lister to appear was Verne Troyer a.k.a. Mini Me on last season.

It's hilarious to watch these celebs try to co-exist in a microcosm of celebreality, all fighting for the chance to be famous once again. Some play the camera for all it's worth, and some like Dave Coulier of Full House just try to keep everyone sane.

After the game was over, I told Bert all about the crazy interview I had watched with The Surreal Life cast. This began a 30-minute discussion we had of other celebs we thought should appear. Bert said almost any member of an 80's rock band could be on there, specifically Survivor, who sang the Rocky anthem "Eye of the Tiger." We named tons of past celebs...like Tina Yothers from Family Ties, any cast member of The Brady Bunch, "Kimmy Gibler" from Full House. Bert swears he thinks Tori Spelling should appear, but I disagree.

We laughed and laughed thinking about all the people we thought they should cast.

"You know who I think The Surreal Life was invented for?" he asked me.
"Who?" I inquired.
"DAVID HASSELHOFF!" he exclaimed.

How right he was...

As I slipped into a deep sleep, I dreamed my hair had been streaked purple. Maybe it came from thinking about all the craziness of the latest Surreal Life. The show's fabulously entertaining, and I'm glad these people are able to poke fun at themselves. Life's too short to take yourself seriously all the time, and I'm glad most of the cast is simply there for a new life experience.

New experiences can broaden our horizons and make a dramatic impact on our lives. And let's all face it...everyone's life seems a little surreal sometimes.

Bismillah

Bismillah. In the name of God...and so I begin.

I've thought about writing this post for a while, but I admit...it makes me nervous. But this morning as I read my daily CNN updates, I knew I could wait no longer. I have something I want to share.

I'm Muslim.

Each and every day, it seems suicide bombings occur. Something else happens where the words "Islamic Terrorist" scream at me from the headlines. It's as if the two words couldn't possibly be separated.

These people have hijacked my faith.

The religion I was taught by my parents is anything but a religion of terror. It's a religion of peace and tolerance. I am angry at what these people have done. I am angry that each time I go pray at a mosque I wonder if my safety is threatened. I am paranoid that people will write me off as soon as they find this out about me. How would you feel if a girl you went to high school with invited all your friends to slumber parties except you just because you had a different religion? Or that two of your best friends told you that you were going to hell?

The more I've opened up to people about it, the more positive the responses have been. People are often surprised at what Muslims really believe, as opposed to the people they read about in the news. Those people twist and turn words until they can make sense out of their actions. There is no basis for terror in my religion. Please don't let the extremists paint the picture of an entire religion.

So, what do I believe? What is the true Islam? Here are a few things you might not know.

When I first met Bert, he was shocked at what Islam really was. He had no idea we worshipped the God of Abraham. Yes, we worship the same God as Jews and Christians. Allah is simply the Arabic word for God. In fact, Arabic-speaking Christians also call God Allah. We do not worship Jesus, but we do believe he was born of a virgin birth. He is revered as a prophet, and we await his second coming.

We believe we are each responsible for our own sins. Good works and charity are important. We don't believe only Muslims can go to heaven. Only God can decide who goes.

Nowhere in The Qu'ran does it say women are to be treated as second-class citizens. Women are granted many rights, including the right to own property. Keep in mind this right was granted nearly 1400 years ago.

We fast for 30 days a year, sunrise to sunset, as a reminder of how fortunate we are. It is a time of prayer and introspection. It is not intended as a means for suffering. "God does not wish for you to suffer," The Qu'ran says. Many people all over the world never get to break their fasts. We are to help them.

Mosques are not separated by race. It is a virtual rainbow of the world to go inside and pray alongside my fellow Muslims. Black, white, Asian, Hispanic, side by side. The five daily formal prayers are said in Arabic. Why? That is the language in which The Qu'ran was revealed. It has provided a sense of cohesiveness that everyone prays in the same language. There are certain words that would be lost in translation. It's important to know what you're saying and know the translation, but the prayers are said in Arabic. It's like a song to hear someone whose native tongue is Arabic say the prayers.

I just wanted to share this with all of you out there in hopes that you might not write off an entire religion. As you've read my Blog, you have seen a person, a woman, a Southerner, a wife, a mother, a pop culture lover, a writer...you've seen me.

And I wanted to share this as well.

This religion has sustained me through many hardships. I have paused many, many times in my life, laid my red Turkish prayer rug on the floor, draped a ruputa over my head and began whispering the words said by Muslims for thousands of years.

"Allah Akbar," I say, meaning God is great.

Each and every time I fold up my rug, I feel a quiet peace within. It is my prayer that people will stop using my faith as a means to harm others. It is my prayer that others won't mistreat me because of my religion.

You see, I love my religion. It is very much a part of me. I'll never forget learning how to pray by myself when I was about nine, and my dad putting a necklace around my neck that said God in Arabic to commemorate the occasion. I'll never forget the jasmine my aunt brought me that I wore in my hair for my Islamic wedding ceremony, the Nikah. I'll never forget how my grandfather hugs every single person in the family after we pray at my grandparents house on Sundays. I'll never forget how my mom, aunt and grandmother read one surah, or chapter, of The Qu'ran forty times to beg God to help me get over a difficult time in my life. I'll never forget how that prayer was answered the next day. I'll never forget the tears flowing down my mother's face as Bert became a Muslim.

I could go into a long discussion of Islamic theology, but I'm not going to do that. I am not opening this up for a debate, but if you have questions, I'll be glad to try and answer them. I have shared some of my basic beliefs with you to help you see the true Islam. I shared some of my memories with you to give you a picture of a kind and loving religion.

It is up to my fellow Muslims to step forward and show the world who we really are. I see more and more people rising to the challenge, and I know their efforts will be rewarded.

As I have become more comfortable in my own skin, I am able to hold my head higher. I know what I believe and I am proud of my faith. I am an American Muslim. And for me, that's been a wonderful gift.

I Need A Vacation!

I have been so busy at work lately and I just said the other day, "I need a vacation!" And then I remembered...I'm going on one next week. Thank goodness!

Bert and I are going to Savannah at the end of next week, and I can hardly wait. Don't you love a 3-day work week? Oh yes, next Wednesday will be my Friday. Thursday morning, I will awake with anticipation of a road trip which will lead us to a place I've always wanted to visit. I am excited to walk River Street and enjoy lots of seafood and time at the beach.

Of course knowing that I'm getting ready for a trip makes me think of trips past that stand out in my mind. I remember when my parents took the whole family to Orlando. I can still remember the first (well, and only) time I saw Epcot Center. I was trying to play this celebrity trivia game (oh goodness...I guess the obsession began at quite a young age!) and this man was looking over my shoulder trying to tell me answers. I was livid. I stormed off, aghast that anyone dare doubt my knowledge of celebrity. I was probably about 9.

I also remember a trip to India my family took when I was 7. We went for my uncle's wedding, and I had on this gorgeous red and gold outfit. This little girl, probably about 2, was trying to snatch my ruputa off. That's the part of Indian outfits that are either worn on your head or on your shoulders. She ticked me off.

At some point, my parents took us to the Ozarks of Missouri. We stayed at this wonderful resort called Tan-Tar-A (http://tan-tar-a.com). The trip started out just fine. We visited the home of Laura Ingalls Wilder where my mom was transported back in time to when she was a child and loved her books so much. I remember eating a giant stack of pancakes, riding a horse that wouldn't stop pooping and ice skating to Damn Yankees' "High Enough." Then it happened. I was told I was too young to use the Tan-Tar-A gym. I was so mad they wouldn't let me use the gym. I might've been 12 or so, but I was angry and felt that I deserved to use the facility since I was staying at their resort. Boy was I mad. I remember stomping all the way back to the room, looking back, and seeing my parents laughing at how ridiculous I was being.

And do I even need to go into college spring breaks? You go to Florida with your best group of friends and everybody ends up mad at some point. I just remember being so grateful to go to Chick-Fil-A at the end of our Destin trip, knowing the drama would end as soon as we crossed the Alabama state line.

For my honeymoon, we went to New Orleans. Eating at Emeril's was wonderful, but I can't help but remember how I yelled at the man on the street who scammed $20 out of Bert. I yelled at Bert for being stupid and I really yelled at the scammer. I yelled, "SCAM!" at the top of my lungs at him, and other people were completely supporting me. "YEAH HE IS!" another man yelled back. I was so angry.

My goal is for this trip to be void of my angry moments. I'm sure something will have the capability to tick me off, but I'm determined not to let it. In our minds, we build vacations up to be the most wonderful, perfect getaways to paradise. Then we get there, have fun, and end up getting ticked off just like we could've done at home at something or another.

Don't get me wrong...I have very much enjoyed most of my vacations. But I don't want to let anything get to me this time around. I don't want to waste an hour being mad when I could've been having a wonderful time shopping at the cute stores in Savannah. I plan on taking everything in stride. I want to focus on enjoying a new city, eating fabulous cuisine, getting tan and taking in all the beautiful sights.

After all, I'll have plenty of time to get ticked off when I return to work, desperately wishing for a vacation to get over being exhausted from the vacation.

A Love or THE Love?

As promised recently, here is my analysis of the recent phenomenons known as Brangelina and Vaughniston. Before I even start with what's going on in the aftermath of the break-up of Hollywood's Golden Couple, I must address this name combination thing going on. I think it's getting out of control. Case in point: Shar Jackson (Mr. Britney Spears' ex) and Quentin Tarantino are now an item, and have been referred to as Sharantino. I think this one might cross the line.

Anyway, I'm sure you joined me in devastation after Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt called it quits. They looked so beautiful and sun-kissed all the time. Signs were there of an upcoming break-up, though. Think about it: When asked if Brad was the love of her life, Jennifer said he was A big love of her life, but she wasn't sure about the whole THE love of your life thing. And Brad said that he didn't know if people were meant to be with one person forever.

Ouch.

Signs of trouble loomed on the horizon, but they went on, looking as gorgeous and as glamorous as ever, and then the news broke. It was over.

Rumors flew about Brad and Angelina, which after seeing Mr. and Mrs. Smith, I definitely believe to be true. I went into the movie, loyal to womankind and hating Angelina Jolie. "She's a slut! A home wrecker!" I said. I never said the woman wasn't beautiful...she is breathtakingly gorgeous. After seeing the movie, though, the chemistry between Brad and Ange was undeniable. Sparks like that don't fly when people are just acting.

Furthermore, Ange has gotten Brad involved in humanitarian efforts, and the two seem to be happy. Am I Angelina Jolie's #1 fan? Heck no! She grew up with dreams of being a mortician and wore her ex-husband's blood around her neck. I think the woman's off her rocker, but she and Brad do seem to share an electricity that was lacking between him and Jen. Maybe it's just sex...
But, Brad does seem to adore Maddox, Angelina's adopted Cambodian son. She recently adopted another child, and I have a feeling Brad is in the picture for a while.

As far as Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, it seems as if they are enjoying a fling. Does it seem a little incestuous to anyone else that Vince and Brad were co-stars in Mr. and Mrs. Smith? Is this movie responsible for anymore Hollywood hook-ups?

Anyway, it looks like Jen and Vince are just in the mood for a good time. They certainly don't seem serious, but I think Jen deserves a good, cute rebound guy. I think Vince Vaughn is hilarious and they probably have a lot of fun together. Brad and Angelina seem more serious...like they're always in deep thought about something. Jen and Vince look like they are just having a good time...and they should be. There's not much gossip about their relationship, but from the looks of the latest Us Weekly pics, something besides just being co-stars is going on. Jen's finally smiling again.

So, who am I pulling for? I guess I'm (gasp!) pulling for everyone. I'm never going to be Angelina Jolie's #1 fan, but I finally realized I can't heap all the blame for the split on her. Brad was the one that was married at the time.

I guess why I hope all these couples make it is actually quite simplistic. Being in love is wonderful. It makes people happier, kinder...all sorts of great things. Finding the love of your life is like solving a great mystery...you have found what you have spent your entire life looking for, and you don't question if it's the real deal or not. And if any of these people are THE love of each other's lives, they'll know it...and they won't have to stutter over their words.

Two Thumbs Up

Well, you know you're with someone special when they finally cave in and watch Steel Magnolias with you. I've been begging Bert to watch my favorite movie with me forever, and after surprising me with a copy of it on DVD for my birthday, he finally broke.

We sat there, he unsure of entering Chick Flick Land with me, and me excited to watch what I think is the best movie ever made. He sat there with me while I laughed and cried through the ups and downs of the lives of the women from that small Louisiana town. He even got a kick out of Drum setting off firecrackers to get the birds out of the trees for Shelby's wedding reception. Oh yes, even Bert admitted it is a damn fine movie.

This got me thinking...what are my favorite movies and why? What makes a movie go from the transitional "That was a great movie!" to "OMG! I must own this on DVD!"?

I think in order for movies to become right up there on our list of favorites, they must go beyond entertainment and strike a chord with us. It has to be beyond the highly entertaining National Treasure and become the inspirational Good Will Hunting. They must stir emotions in us beyond rooting for the good guy to win and the bad guy to get killed. Like in Good Will Hunting, you wanted Will to persevere above all the emotional baggage that had been holding him back. Even after the final credits roll with Elliot Smith's haunting voice, the movie stays with you.

The greatest movies are ones you don't want to end. For example, I love the movie Empire Records also. Why did I care so much for a movie about saving a record store? Because the relationships were developed. I was pulling for people to get together and succeed. I watched people realize the value of life, love and friendship. It was just the right mixture of comedy and drama, and I think that combination makes for movies that stay with us for a long time. After the movie ends, you can't help but wonder how A.J. does at art school, and if he and Corey really stay together. You care about these characters by the end of the movie.

And who could forget Sixteen Candles? Yes, it's a classic 80's movie, complete with terrible clothing and gigantic bangs, but I think there's more to it. Not only is it hilarious, but you really empathize with Samantha for her parents forgetting her birthday. And what girl doesn't melt at the end when Jake Ryan pulls up outside the church after Sam's sister's wedding? I even have that music downloaded on my iPod! That movie just epitomizes so much about teenage crushes and life in the 80's. It's a perfect happily ever after.

It's always nice to go back to some old classics when you're in the mood for a great movie. There's nothing like sitting on the couch in your pajamas, curled up under a blanket, watching your favorite movie and getting popcorn stuck between your teeth.

I Love Baby Jane Blogs!

Everyone, I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank Ginger for making such a wonderful new blog design! Please check out her blog design site at http://babyjaneblogs.blogspot.com or scroll down to the cute Baby Jane Blogs logo in the left sidebar. Ginger also has a great blog, which you can reach by clicking on the Sweet and Somber Fairy Tale link to the left.

I told her I liked hot pink, turquoise, black, polka dots and vintage Vogue covers...and look at what she did! Keep in mind I told her all this Wednesday and it's already done. And I am amazed she stayed so sweet since we went through four drafts in my search for the perfect header!

Yes, even neurotic as I am, Ginger created a great blog design for me! I just wanted to thank her for all she's done.

My First Biography

Yesterday I worked constantly all day. Yes, I know that's what I'm paid to do, but my job usually isn't very busy or high stress. Needless to say, I was completely exhausted when I got home. Ariana, my stepdaughter, is staying with us for two weeks, and I worried on my way home how much energy I would have when I arrived. I knew dinner had to be made and I figured I should probably head to the gym too. She'd been having a ball with us, and I was worried I wouldn't have enough energy to properly entertain a 7-year old.

I dragged my feet as I walked in the door and laid across the couch. "I have no energy!" I told my husband. "Poor baby," he said. "You actually had to work hard today." "Shut up," I replied with a grin.

Ariana came running out from her room with a big gift bag filled with tissue paper. She had ripped a page out of a coloring book for me and had colored the teddy bear beautifully. She even added jewelry and a bow so I was sure it was a girl. She had put a pack of my favorite crackers in there and told me they were her favorite too, even though she'd never eaten them before.

Then I saw it: the piece de resistance. She had made me a book! It was entirely her idea, and all Bert had done was staple the folded pieces of construction paper together. The cover was blue and she had drawn a picture of both of us with a big giant heart between us. On the cover it said: How Anisa takes good care of me. At the bottom, she wrote By Ariana.

It took my breath away. She wrote a book about me! I thought I would share the very first biography ever written about me. Odd grammar and funny capitalization has been kept in tact!

Page 1 - Anisa treats me like a mom.
Page 2 - I love Anisa as a mom.
Page 3 - Anisa is a great mom to me and daddy.
Page 4 - I will miss her when she is gone.
Page 5 - Shes the Best mom in the wold.
Page 6 - I love Anisa So much.
Page 7 - Anisa is the Best.
Page 8 - I love Being whith dady and Anisa.
Page 9 - THe end

Tears ran down my face and I gave her a big hug. Rejuvenated with energy, I quickly put supper in the oven and decided we all needed to go get her a new pair of pajamas, as she had been promised the week prior. I left the roasted chicken to bake, and we all left the house feeling as if things just couldn't be better.

She's a child now, and I know the teenage years will be here before we know it and she will grow up. She won't make books for me or color pictures forever. But I will always treasure this summer and I will keep the book she made me. I recognize each day with her as the gift that it is.

I never knew somewhere between baking cookies, reading bedtime stories and watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, such an impression would be made. She is my daughter and I told her so. She has even decided that she's part Indian now too.

In Denial

I.am.drowning...in a sea of paperwork, that is. I have decided that excessive work puts people through the same cycle as the grief cycle. You see, right now I am in The Denial Phase. I have so much work to do, but here I am...blogging. I can't seem to grasp the fact that I have so much to do. I just breathed a sigh of relief when the bank statement didn't come today. I just couldn't take another thing on my plate!

What do other people do when they have so much to do? Does everyone initially go through denial? I guess so. I remember in college when I'd have a huge project, I would spend the first few days after knowing about the assignment in denial, refusing to accept I had to spend unwanted hours at the library. I know I will reach The Admission Phase and The Acceptance Phase soon, where I'll actually start plowing through this mound of work.

I can see my to-do-list right in front of my face, another thing people in denial do. We make lists because it makes us feel like we're really doing something towards our dreaded task. The contrast of black ink on white paper is staring at me, begging me to get started. At least I have to look forward to my favorite part of lists: checking off! I love to cross through things when I'm done doing them. It gives me such a sense of accomplishment.

Have you ever noticed when your supervisor comes to give you this crazily long list of things to do, your eyes want to glaze over so badly? Even physically, our bodies want to go into denial! You have to force yourself to stay focused and listen point by point to all the things you are expected to do. You wait to hear the deadline, you say that it's absolutely no problem, and then you want to scream.

Will I enter The Bartering Phase or The Anger Phase? I have no idea. I hope I'll dig through this fast enough to where I won't have time to get too angry. After all, I do get paid to work! Must.stay.focused.

So, Blogland, thank you for being with me through my Denial Phase. Here I go to number crunch, go through scarily large stacks of mail and do otherwise unpleasant tasks. I hope your day is full of pleasantries and not full of Quicken reports.

The time has come. The hour is upon me. I must grudgingly minimize Internet Explorer and hit the daily grind.

Daydream Believer

Bert and I were driving down a street in my hometown that I'd driven down thousands of times before. I went to elementary school on that street, one of my best friends lived on that street, I'd been to high school senior parties on that street. I'd spent hours upon hours on Jackson Street in my lifetime. I looked out the window and saw some place that looked vaguely familiar, and I was lost for thought for a moment. When had I been there before?

Then it hit me. I used to date someone that lived there. Being as emotional as I am, of course I thought I'd never get over any failed relationship, but here I was...married and I couldn't even remember at first that I once knew a person that lived there.

Similar occurrences happened throughout my long weekend at home. I couldn't remember at first what used to be my main memories. Driving down Main Street, my thoughts used to flash back to nights out with my giant group of college girlfriends. Now my initial thoughts were shopping with Bert last time we were there and that I wanted to try this new restaurant my parents recommended. After that, I thought back to my friends and the nights we'd spent on that street after spending hours picking out "the perfect outfit." Instead of seeming like it was 5 years ago, it seemed like another lifetime.

We watched a beautiful display of fireworks from a parking lot at my old high school. Instead of thinking about life on a bell schedule, I thought about the playground out back and how I wanted to bring Ariana to the park close to our house in Georgia. Then, I remembered long ago when my friends and I liked to skip school during break so we could get better food somewhere else!

Storefronts, restaurants, bars and parking lots throughout anyone's hometown hold many memories. I was taken aback at how much my memories seemed to be changing. It makes sense that the most recent events are fresher in our minds than older ones, but I was amazed at how it took me time to remember old things. I smiled when thinking back to elementary school, high school and college. There were many, many good times there, but my vibrant memories are of "this lifetime"...being married, getting along with my parents and knowing and treasuring my dear friends.

Could I, the Queen of Holding Onto the Past, finally be living in the present and looking toward the future? While I remembered things from long ago, for the first time I could only remember happy times. If I even began to remember something that brought me pain, it was only fleeting. I wasn't lost in my world of daydreams anymore. As a child, I stayed lost in daydreams...thinking of being interviewed by Barbara Walters as a famous actress or having a lavish royal wedding. I've always loved to daydream, but on this trip, I found myself more aware of my surroundings. My eyes weren't glazed over while my mind was in some farwaway place.

I think it's because I'm finally living my daydreams in the present.

Note on comments: I deleted my note on an earlier post about leaving comments without a Blogger.com ID. I finally figured out what was wrong with my comments and I changed the settings so anyone can leave their thoughts! Post away...

Happy 4th of July!

America's Newest Favorite Pastime

As we near the 4th of July, I am very excited about going to Mississippi to see my family and friends back home. Food, fun and fireworks are on the menu, and I can hardly wait. In the spirit of Independence Day, I thought it appropriate to dedicate today's topic to something very American, as much a part of our culture as baseball and apple pie. It's America's newest favorite pastime: celebrity gossip.

That's right, everyone...celeb dish! I am feeling very satisfied these days because my insatiable appetite for celebrity gossip is staying filled. As soon as I hear one thing that I think will be the biggest news, something else comes along. I.love.it. So, here's some of the breaking news for the week with, of course, my commentary.

• Tom Cruise Unites America

Is it wrong that I'm so excited that the entirety of Blogland, as well as gossip columnists, have united in their mutual hatred of Tom Cruise? I am excited at the backlash over his insane comments about Brooke Shields being "irresponsible" for taking anti-depressants instead of vitamins for postpartum depression. Just when I thought people may begin to forget, he pretty much assaulted Matt Lauer on The Today Show. Tom told Matt he really knew nothing about psychiatry and that Tom did. He went on to say chemical imbalance isn't real. I love it that Tom Cruise is uniting people of all faiths and political views in their common hatred for him.

• Garffleck Weds!

I truly am happy for Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner as they bask in the glow of their recent nuptials. Jen's expecting, and rumor has it that it's a girl. Their love has been quiet, and it appears my biggest celebrity crush ever finally learned how to have a private life. I think they're much more compatible than Ben and J.Lo because of their similar backgrounds. Call me crazy, but I really am pulling for this couple. I hope they make it. The only rumor I'm confused about is the rock he gave J.Lo. I read in People that someone recently bought the ring and then returned it. I certainly hope Ben would know better than to give Sweet and Lovable Jennifer Dead Animal Wearing Diva Jennifer's hand-me-downs.

• Mr. and Mr. Tom Cruise

Oh, yes! There has been even more exciting news about Tom Cruise than simply his insanity. You didn't think one section on Tom was enough, did you? Supposedly, as email rumor has it, Tom and Matchbox 20 frontman Rob Thomas were caught together in an, ahem, compromising position by Thomas' wife. Before the news could explode, Marisol was paid off and Tom began his audition process of who would be his next real life leading lady. That's where the "interviewing the next Mrs. Cruise" rumor began. Katie Holmes was allegedly Tom's #5 pick, behind #1 Jessica Alba and #3 Lindsay Lohan. Katie was said to have been paid $8 million to be Tom's lady love. The rumor goes on to say that Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruise were also part of Tom's elaborate plot to cover up his homosexuality. True or false? I don't really know, but this seems a bit too far out there for me. If homosexuality is looked down upon in Scientology, Tom could always take vitamins, the cure-all, for it.

• Britney's Bun in the Oven

Brit-Brit has been spotted mostly sans Bit-Bit, her Chihuahua, at the side of little sis Jamie Lynn. Brit's been wearing shirts that show her growing belly, and I believe it's more likely the size is due to excessive Starbucks Frappuccino and Cheetos consumption than Baby Federline. After watching every episode of Chaotic, I have to come to a few conclusions. Okay, just one conclusion. These people are crazy! Britney's sweet enough, and yes, they do appear to care about each other, but their immaturity is sickening. Watching them is like watching a documentary about how two 12-year olds culminated their relationship by hooking up in the back seat of a schoolbus after a field trip. They might as well sign Baby-Fed up for a reality series...the child's going to be able to have the queen of all reality shows!

• The Incredible Shrinking Lindsay

Lindsay Lohan threw a hissy fit at the premiere of her movie Herbie: Fully Loaded. When they didn't play a song performed by her during the car scene of the movie, she freaked out. Upon hearing the song playing during the closing credits, she stormed out of the theatre. She attempted to explain herself, but her apparent malnourishment kept her from being coherent. I miss the sweet red-haired Lindsay from the days of Mean Girls and Freaky Friday. I guess all the peroxide in her hair is sinking into her head. She collapsed while working out at the gym recently. Come on, Lindsay, go back to being a red-head and eat a cheeseburger!

• Paris Times 2

And what gossip rundown would be complete without a mention of Paris Hilton and Paris Latsis? The bethothed couple has been spotted partying and behaving badly around the globe. You can always count on these two to be a staple in gossip columns. They're even making a new horror flick together...she in the lead, while Billionaire Boyfriend gets to produce. Ah, the hard life...

Well, there you have it...the lastest and greatest celebrity scoop. I know I left out Brangelina and Vaughniston, but Us Weekly is due in my mailbox with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn on the cover. I must read the article to make an educated commentary on the situation. An assessment of Brad and Jen post-breakup will be coming soon. Anyway, now we should all go read the news so we can regain the brain cells we just lost.

Note: I will be in Mississippi visiting family and friends and won't post again until July 6. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday filled with grilling out, laying out and hanging out!